How to DM women without being creepy (DM the right way)

How to DM women without being creepy (DM the right way)

By: Ash Wright


We’ve all seen those weird, creepy messages from guys on Instagram, right? Cringey comments like “mmm, so sweet baby” on a photo of a woman in her bikini. We both know you aren’t one of those guys. But do you know how to DM a girl effectively?

Thanks to the creeps that make comments like that so often, it can be more of a challenge to direct message a girl. But not to worry, that’s exactly the problem this article will help you navigate.

If you’re feeling a bit lost on the topic or feel like trying to DM her would be pointless, read on. I’m going to give you a few quick tips and show you that it’s just not as hard as you think.

Oh, and just in case you’re not already aware, a DM is a Direct Message on social media. Any time you hear a woman talking about a guy who “slid into her DMs”, this is what she’s referring to.

How to DM a girl without being creepy

We’ll get into the details in a moment but there are two main parts to this.

Firstly, separating yourself from the white noise in her DMs. Demonstrating clearly that you aren’t just another desperate guy messaging every attractive woman he sees on there. You don't want to be that guy when you're messaging women online.

The second is your headspace. It takes some confidence to reach out effectively and get her to pay attention to you for the right reasons.

If you are looking for a more in-depth, step-by-step guide to the process once you finish this article we’ve got a video course on how to build your confidence, approach and attract women if that’s something you’re unsure about. You’ll also be given a unique system designed to make the difficult parts of dating so much easier. Having this course at your back is going to boost your confidence and make you feel more in control.


Don’t expect every message to be a winner

I don’t like to start my articles off with a downer like this but it’s important to begin with the right expectations.

Because the aforementioned creeps are so active on social media DMs, some women don’t even check them. This, gentlemen, is why we can’t have nice things.

That doesn’t mean you won’t have success or I wouldn’t be writing this article. Just don’t go beating yourself up if you’ve messaged a woman on Facebook or wherever and she doesn’t respond. It’s not always something you can control.

How to DM a girl? Check out her profile

The first thing you need to do is differentiate yourself from the creeps. The easiest way to do this is by paying attention to her profile.

Look through the photos she posts and read her captions. Start to build a picture of what she’s about, what she values and any recent achievements.

Having these handy lets you reach out in a meaningful way and lets you increase the odds of meeting a girl on Facebook. By actually having an understanding of the person you’re talking to, the conversation will be infinitely more authentic.


Start interacting with her profile

To make your first DM feel a little more natural, interact with her profile a bit before you reach out. Follow her and over the next few days, like any post you normally would.

This doesn’t mean you need to go liking every post, just the ones you would if she was a regular friend. Once she’s accustomed to seeing you in her notifications, it’s going to make everything feel more natural.

In fact, don’t go being creepy and liking every post from five years ago. There’s a line between getting to know her through her profile and stalking.

Reply to her story

Rather than commenting on her photos or just DMing her out of the blue, reply to one of her stories. It gives you a valid reason to be messaging her so she’s far more likely to respond.

Think of it as the difference between a marketing cold call and an expected call back. You’re probably going to hang up on the cold caller immediately because you know their agenda. If it’s a call you were expecting though, you’re going to be more friendly, right?

Context is so important here. Don’t be the cold caller!

As an example, maybe she’s just added a photo from a beach you’ve been to. You could reply to that part of the story with something like “is that [beach name]? I love it down there! I haven’t been in years.”

All you’re looking to do is start an easy and relevant conversation -- it doesn’t have to be anything special.

Don’t open with a compliment

Especially if you’re drawing a total blank as to what to DM a girl, this could be a tempting way to start. In reality, though, you’re definitely not the first person to try that approach with her.

Not only does it lack originality, but it’s also going to feel insincere. Rather than feeling like a genuine compliment, it’ll be clear you’re just messaging her (and a hundred other women) begging for sex.

“Damn you look so good in that photo” is a guaranteed way to have your DMs ignored.


Only DM her when you have something to say

No matter how into her you might be, don’t message her constantly. If you DM her every time she posts a photo or updates her story, it’ll come across as needy and desperate. You want to start a natural conversation online with a woman, not bombard her with messages.

There are no magical rules around how often you should say something. Instead, just do as the subheading says and DM her when you have something constructive to say.

If you’ve already met her somewhere, treat it like texting

If you met her in class, at a party somewhere or you know each other through Snapchat, this does give you a big leg up. You have an even better reason to be contacting her.

A simple DM like, “Hey Kate, how did the rest of your Saturday night go? That party got pretty crazy, huh?” is all you need. It reminds her where you know each other from while also giving you both an easy talking point.

From there you can basically just treat these DMs like text messaging. Take a look at my guide on lowkey flirting over text to help you out in this scenario.

Keep an eye on your own profile too

If it’s the first time you’ve ever contacted her, the first thing she’ll do is look at your profile.

If six of your last 10 photos are with other women, this paints a concerning picture. Just remember that she won’t know too much about you just yet so she’s likely to jump to conclusions.

Maybe those photos are with your cousins or a friend’s wife but she doesn’t know that. You don’t necessarily have to delete them but at least make sure the caption offers some context.

If the first impression she gets is that you have a girlfriend and you’re using social media to cheat, it’s over before it began.

Sexual is fine but keep it classy

Once you’ve established a conversation with her, it’s okay to be flirty and a bit sexual, especially if you've spotted signs that she likes you online. Playful innuendo is perfectly fine once you’ve reached that level of comfort with each other.

What you don’t want to do is go straight for the topic. If you’re hinting at sex three messages in, you’ve gone too far.

Likewise, never send an unsolicited dick pic. No matter how impressive it may be, she doesn’t want to see it! There’s no gray area here at all, never do it.


With all the helpful advice from BeyondAges and this article, knowing what to DM a girl is going to become second nature.

Just remember your goal is to separate yourself from the creeps and start a simple conversation. With a bit of practice, everything else will run smoothly from there.

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